When does stress become a force that has the capability to consume the mind? Sleepless nights. Short tempered. Memory lapses. They all warrant validity. The office is becoming a literal arena of stressful battles - and don’t get me wrong, I can handle stress - but over 3 years it’s becoming a beast that I feel needs addressing… and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

Of course I work in a high tensile environment, a no holds barred shit-fest of selfish fucks that would sooner water the trees than piss on my burning clothing… it’s what I encounter every day, and I’m fine with it.

All I know is that I love what I do, my 2007 is the best year I’ve had since I started 3 years ago, and I will continue to service the unemployed and the unhappy employed the best I can… with a chameleon eye on the wankers that call themselves my peers.

I’ve never been one to feel comfortable with two faces, and I won’t start now.

I hear it all the time: “I’m going to sue…”, “I will sue you…” - typical American follow-through to “get your own back”. Truly a sackless move for the most part, and most certainly led to my disdain accordingly for those that do so.

[that was until today]

I have a client that I placed an admin assistant with 6 weeks ago, who apparently isn’t working out as well as said client had hoped. We have guarantee periods in place to protect the client from this inherent problem, just in case their new employee turns out to be a bag of shat. The guarantee in place for this particular client was a 90-day replacement guarantee - layman speak, if the candidate I place does not work out (for whatever reason) within that 90-day period, I replace them for free - this guarantee stands for the full period of 90 days, just as long as the client pays my fee on the day their new employee starts.

[typicality ensues]

Candidate turns out to be as about as useful to the client as a dress and bra is to me. Unfortunately, it’s been 6 weeks since I placed their new employee, and they’re 6 weeks overdue with my $6,500. Yes, the client didn’t want to pay.

[CEO involvement]

We’re suing the client, and I feel good about it. I worked my arse off the bone for this client, and by dicking me around, they have become an exclusive member of the “I’m about to get my wallet pinched” club. You are paying for my service, not the applicant.

Don’t fuck with an ethical recruiter. I have plenty of other clients that pay me for my services - if you don’t want to pay for my services, don’t agree to the contract - simple.

[suing ensues]

One thing a non-American may notice about this country is that the art of conversation is not abound as one might think.

Take morning pleasantries for example. It goes a little something like this:

Person #1
“hey, how are you?”

Person #2
“good, how are you?”

Person #1
“good”

And there you have it - the extent of the morning “hellos” - thank god I haven’t succumb to this meaningless tattle in the a.m. as I sip my coffee…

I work with fucking morons.

We started a new group within our firm not so long ago, and I have no idea what our President was thinking… hang on, maybe I do… “hey, let’s go to Brooklyn Zoo and hire us some fucking monkeys to come and recruit for our new team”.

[clenches teeth... counts to ten]

fucking morons.

I don’t know what drives some of my co-workers, but one thing I have come to learn it’s not, is loyalty…

…and common decency, trust and integrity.

I’m in recruitment as you may already be aware, which can indeed provide recruiters that are “above average”, a very robust six-figure salary every year. I also work in a commission-only industry (certainly the norm for “contingency recruitment” in the united states) which can lead some to “alternative” means to closing a deal.

all of my colleagues here are in the very same boat as me - commission only - and we’re always looking at ways to make a placement - it’s a rather frantic world we live in. when it’s good, it’s great - when everyone’s billing well, we’re all happy. alas, when it’s not as rosy as we’d like, the cloak and dagger ethic surfaces, and it’s the same select few that adorn that ominous attire better than others.

today I had a candidate attend a 2nd interview at a very small, boutique biotech/pharmaceutical firm in new york city. after meeting with the CEO, concerns were raised. my colleague (who will remain nameless) discussed my applicant’s concerns with her over the phone. after listening to her “less than enthusiastic” attempts at addressing her concerns, I took over the phone call.

[side note: it's imperative to address concerns right away, otherwise they become like forgotten bread in the fridge - hard, solid... unable to undo what's already been left alone to fester on its own]

my conversation was a little more uplifting, to say the least. what I gathered from the call was that she was scared to join another “small” firm, as she’d done so with 4 other similar sized companies and they’d all laid her off - lack of funding etcetera. my colleague caught wind of her concern (which is COMPLETELY valid, may I add) and went on some tirade of how she wouldn’t feel comfortable in closing the client on my applicant, as she “may leave right after starting”… or she’d be “taking the job for the wrong reasons”. to add salt to my wound, a different colleague’s candidate is also being interviewed for this position, and that applicant is going “ga ga” over the job - so a much easier close. however, the client is leaning toward mine, so she should be pushed for the offer, and then allow me to handle the “close” - NOT to make her mind up for her client.

[clincher]

what really got me going this afternoon, was watching my two colleagues (one representing the client, and the other representing the 2nd candidate) whispering to one another (after my candidate chat on the phone shortly before) and stopping when I looked over. I mean, come on you pair of rancid slags, how old do you think I am?

if I get a sniff of any underhand workings going on pertaining to this deal, there will be hell to pay - and I will be on the front page of the new york times by the end of the week for double homicide.

if you’re new to this site, then you should read this article to familiarize yourself with my co-workers’ standard of ethics.

shady bastards.

I just wanted to share my week with you. over the last 3 days, I have made 3 great placements… great candidates, great jobs and great career moves. this is why I do what I do… persistent in giving a service to those that need it - and to be honest, I do this for the money, mostly… but I’m in sales, so of course I get a kick out of making $6,000 in 3 days - life is good.

what’s also great is that I put smiles on faces that were once skeptical about the hiring process, about the economy, about their competition… I love giving those that need it, what they want to live their lives.

period.

no it’s not, fuck no. I do however, work with certain “colleagues” that would disagree with me.

my recruitment experience is strong, elbeit short in comparison to some “heavy hitters”. however, I see day after day the dismay that my coworkers endure when they have a candidate say ‘no’ to a job offer. why? seriously, why do you continue to treat your candidates with a level of distain you would perhaps extend a piece of raw meat?

we’re taught as recruiters to sell “ouselves” - this is the only way a client will “buy into us”, and that, I have to confirm, is 100% true. but surely, shouldn’t the same work ethic be implemented into our interaction with candidates too? some fuckers I know, do not share the same motivation. “candidates are scum”, “candidates are a means-to-an-end” - I’ve heard them all. it disgusts me.

sure, our clients pay us the multi-thousand dollar fees, and they are very important, without fail - I treat all of my clients like gold. but what I find remarkable, is that many that I work with, treat their applicants with such a behavior that can only be compared to meeting someone for the first time… with leprosy.

our business is built upon relationships - and it takes TWO to make the deal - the client, and candidate. my relationships with candidates is just as important as that of my clients’. if it weren’t for the applicants, we wouldn’t make the placements. simple math.

client + (unappreciated) candidated = bollocks to you… no!

so I adopt the british recruitment ethic, as thus:

client + (trusting and respected) candidate = yes… oh, and by the way, thank you!

it’s about reputation. period. imagine if you found a small, but perfectly rounded dog turd in your Big Mac. would you return the following day for a fillet-o-fish? hardly. would you refer your friends to a place that serve an actual, and blatant, bum log in their prized buns, to take their lunch? er, no.

respect our product - they’re 50% of the “deal” - but more importantly, they’re human bloody beings.

[echoes of jerry maguire above - I couldn't give a shit - show me the money, bitch!]

apparently, my colleague and I weren’t the only ones aurally barated by the “walking fart”. just got an e-mail from another colleague wondering if it was her shoes on the linoleum floor or not.

[literally laughing at my desk now]

apparently there’s an art, to the “walking fart”.

the aforementioned [motions to the quote fingers] coworker never ceases to amaze my anonymous colleague and I. just when we thought our mutual friend couldn’t blow off her trouser trumpet in a better fashion, she goes and takes the biscuit [yes, the 'air' kind].

in walks [literally] the “walking fart”. allow me to describe this flatulent feat in more detail:

air escapes the buttocks at the same exact pace as the feet generally hitting the floor, ensuing in the great guffaw of butt noise on each step… [left foot (parp), right foot (phhrrrp) and so on...]

I often think to myself when she rattles off one of her thundercrackers if my giggling colleague and I are the only ones to hear them! we can’t be the only ones savvy to her antics, surely? I’m starting to think that one can’t help her downstairs behavior, which is sad. but the farting… totally hilarious.

yes, it happens - and more often than you think. nothing like one of your male coworkers to rattle off a good air biscuit in front of their other male office buddies during that spate of free time normally reserved for lunch.

[gasp]

but what happens to that naturally funny toilet humor when the office mate trouser trumpet turns out to be a woman? therein lies my problem.

1. do I say something to her?

[or]

2. say nothing, suffer the ass vibrations

a close coworker of mine [who shall remain nameless] and I have discussed the possible ramifications of bringing this issue to the attention of the said offender, and have lightly agreed to not say anything. we have also discussed the possibility that our mutual friend’s butt antics may be completely involuntary, making the opportunity for bringing it to her attention somewhat… delicate.

female or not, any kind of gas basket skirt boomers in the office should be outlawed - if only for the fact that I crack up in tears of laughter at that fateful sound.