I managed to secure a seat on the C train this morning - one of the two-seaters by the end of the train car, right by the sliding door at the very end. I’m minding my own business, well into The Bourne Identity, when my peripheral vision is shadowed by what I can only assume to be a large person. This “large person” (who shall be known from here on as fatty) proceeded to come over to the seat by me (bearing in mind these two-seaters are built for two “average sized” persons) and pulls a 180′, obviously gearing up for an ass plant on the seat. I’m not a large guy by any stretch of the imagination - I mean, I take up only half of the seat - and when I’m watching a movie on my iPod Touch I normally lean forward with my elbows resting on my knees for support, and maximum viewing.

Fatty sits down and managed to get just the edge of her large behind on the lip of the seat. Fatty looks over to me and looks away (I’m thinking, yeah - look all you fucking want bitch, I’m not closing my legs and squashing my balls for anyone). Fatty then opens up her newspaper, and tries to shuffle her huge buttocks back, like a dog wiping its ass on grass, but in reverse. I don’t budge.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not sat there with a twelve inch gap between my knees, but my legs are in line with my shoulders - a comfortable seating position.

Her vain effort to squeeze her at mounds firmly in the seat next to me warrants another look at me - this time I take out my right ear bud and look at her - fatty didn’t expect me to respond evidently, as she “hmph’d” and stood up, and took her fat arse to another empty seat.

Now I’m as liberal as the next guy, but seriously, if your arse isn’t of “average size”, have some fucking respect for those asses that are - ‘cos those are what the seats are designed for.

Well at least that’s what he’s claiming, and he’s requesting a full and public apology from the Feds.

Nineties movie star Seagal claims that due to a criminal investigation carried out by the FBI, his career took a nose dive to the “straight-to-dvd” world of bollocks.

Steven Seagal, whose action movies once were major box-office attractions, believes false allegations by FBI agents ruined his career, the Los Angeles Times reported on Friday.

The comments in the Times are the first Seagal has made publicly about an investigation begun some five years ago by the FBI into accusations he intimidated a reporter and had ties to organized crime.

The Times said Seagal is demanding an apology from the FBI.

I could be way off point here, but maybe agreeing to do a movie with Erika Eleniak helped him down the slippery slope.

Or maybe it’s just that he’s a bad actor?

Oh, wait a minute… of course, I was wrong all along.

A jury on Friday said Southwest Airlines did not racially discriminate against a black woman when she was asked to buy a second seat on a plane because of her size.The jury deliberated for a little over an hour before finding against Nadine Thompson, who sued Southwest in federal court. She claimed the airline’s “customer of size” policy was unfairly applied to her after she boarded a flight at Manchester Airport in 2003.

Joel Drake, a Southwest employee, testified earlier that Thompson accused him of being a “racist pig” when he tried to explain the company’s policy and swore at him. He said in 18 years with Southwest, he’d never encountered such horrible accusations and told his boss he couldn’t do his job anymore. He took six weeks off and requested a lower position.

Thompson testified that Drake was bullying her and she felt scared, so words were her only way to fight back. She said that no Southwest employees, including Drake, ever explained to her why she needed to buy a second seat.

“Even if you’re the only black person on a flight … you still can’t prove race,” Thompson said after the verdict. “If they don’t fix these problems with their policy, other people are going to come at them.”

I love this story. Again, another example of this nation’s adept ability to sue at the drop of a hat. What makes me laugh is the part about her suing for racial discrimination - how on earth does being asked to buy an extra seat because your arse is the size of a fucking truck constitute a racial slur? I get it, she knows only full well she’s of large proportion, but there’s isn’t a law protecting her from having her lard arse commented upon, so she went with the most obvious… get real woman.

Seriously, what’s wrong with people in the US?

Actor Chris Penn, younger brother of Sean and best remembered as Nice Guy Eddie Cabot in Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, was found dead at his Santa Monica home yesterday. He was 40, according to police, although most reports put his age as 43.Penn’s body was discovered in bed inside his apartment, located in a four-story condominium complex near the beach, by his housekeeper. Police said they were investigating the cause of death but stated that there were no obvious signs of foul play.

“Most reports put his age as 43″? What? They don’t know how old he is? Other reports say “the cause of actor Chris Penn’s death remained undetermined after an autopsy, and the coroner’s office has ordered blood toxicology tests.”

Pretty ironic that his most recent movie project was “The Darwin Awards, a black comedy about unusual suicides, was scheduled to premiere today at the Sundance film festival.”

Come on, people die, why the mystery around Chris’ death? I mean, has anyone thought about him being just a fat junkie like the rest of the Hollywood trash?

Class action law suits are common in America - from Apple’s iPod battery life malarkey, to McDonalds and their food making people fat.

Let’s take a look at the latter…

There have been many law suits filed against the fast food giants: MacDonalds, Burger King, KFC and the likes… for example, in July 2002 some fat dude called Caesar Barbar filed suit against the aforementioned restaurants in complaint that their food caused him to become obese, develop diabetes and coronary heart disease amongst other detrimental health defects.

The 56-year-old Bronx resident claims he didn’t realize that fast food hamburgers were unhealthy, and blames four companies–McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Burger King - for selling fatty food and failing to warn consumers.

The case was subsequently thrown out as the judge deemed that his “weight” and “health problems” were his own responsibility - I should think so too - fucking free loaders. How can anyone think scoffing a big mac is as healthy as picking at a chicken salad? Morons.

This brings me to-date, and a CNN article on a new bill being passed by the House of Representatives that would block lawsuits by people who blame fast-food chains for their obesity… the “Cheeseburger Bill”. Yeah, that’s not a typo… cheeseburger bill.

I know what’s next… drunks suing bars for their beer guts.

Take responsibility for what you throw in your mouth, and stop blaming others for your waistline. Try a salad, and step away from the bag of lard.

If you’re a guy and suffer from flaccid man boobs, you’ll no doubt have gone through the rigmorole of going clothes shopping… it just doesn’t bode well. Nothing fits - if you don’t conform to the socially acceptable S, M or L, you’re shit out of luck.

Worry no more, my overweight beer swillers! There’s hope in the way of www.fatguyshirts.com. Their shirts, hoodies and various other fattire are not only geared to the fuller-figured, but their shirt designs are quite hilarious - such sharp quips as “Buffet Molester” and “Who Needs Women When I Have Boobs Like These?”.

Nice work Cesar and Matt - ya fat bastards!

another thing, why is there always some fat chick that must insist on rubbing up against your freshly washed and pressed $195 shirt, with her flabby arm flaps which are dripping with stinking sweat?

DON’T TOUCH ME YOU KFC-EATING FINGER-LICKING LUMP!!! Jesus!

summer on the subways - not for the feint of heart… or people that aren’t fat.

[sorry fatsos, but for the love of god, there are millions of people in the city like me, who cannot get their below-190lbs arse on the two-seater seats 'cos you're so freaking wide]