Actor Chris Penn, younger brother of Sean and best remembered as Nice Guy Eddie Cabot in Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, was found dead at his Santa Monica home yesterday. He was 40, according to police, although most reports put his age as 43.Penn’s body was discovered in bed inside his apartment, located in a four-story condominium complex near the beach, by his housekeeper. Police said they were investigating the cause of death but stated that there were no obvious signs of foul play.

“Most reports put his age as 43″? What? They don’t know how old he is? Other reports say “the cause of actor Chris Penn’s death remained undetermined after an autopsy, and the coroner’s office has ordered blood toxicology tests.”

Pretty ironic that his most recent movie project was “The Darwin Awards, a black comedy about unusual suicides, was scheduled to premiere today at the Sundance film festival.”

Come on, people die, why the mystery around Chris’ death? I mean, has anyone thought about him being just a fat junkie like the rest of the Hollywood trash?

Right now I am the happiest man alive… unless you’ve been dead for the last year, you would have heard about the dreadful scratching on the Nano, which almost caused (yet another) class action law suit against Apple.

Well, mine was no different - scratched to high heaven, and so much so, that it was sometimes hard to see what was on the screen in lighter conditions.

[did some surfing... as ya do]

I was amazed to find that your normal household Brasso and a piece of micro fiber cloth, some elbow grease and 20-30 minutes of “polishing” can bring your Nano back into the spotlight of gorgeousness

I didn’t have Brasso, but I did have a bottle of Silvo (same polish, only for silverware), the piece of microfiber cloth that came with my PSP, and 30 minutes to kill.

[copious amounts of rubbing, polishing and 30 mins later...]

ALL of my scratches are gone - GONE! It looks like the first time I took it out of the box. I even managed to do the same for the back metal surface too - it is spotless… the very mild abrasive qualities of both Brasso and Silvo gradually and gently smoothed away the surface scratches, and if polished long enough, even the deep ones. Now it’s about time I bought me one of those soft chamois cases.

If you have a Nano, and you don’t have a case, it must look like shit - try what I did above, but be patient - it took me a little over 30 minutes, and about 20 separate applications of Silvo.

Freaking schweet!

For those that haven’t kept up with my asinine ramblings since last Summer, you probably don’t know that I have a Sony PSP. Also known as the new love of my life.

I’ve taken to ripping and uploading full movies onto it, and watching them either in bed, or most recently, on the subway.

I am very aware of my surroundings, vigilant and low-key as far as “flaunting” my black lump of gorgeousness on the public transportation system, but I can’t help but think about being the target for a good old fashioned smack in the mush and getting robbed.

Those of you that travel frequently on the C train will no doubt attest to my claim that it doesn’t pass through the safest of ‘hoods. Now don’t get me wrong, I feel safe in my surroundings, but flashing my PSP goodness in the faces of my brethren will most likely get me noticed for the wrong reasons - and not my freakishly engaging cowlick.

I have taken to only watching movies in the morning on the E or V trains once I get into West 4th Street - at least this way I have a wall of trench-coated pen pushers between me and any knife wielding ex cons.

So I’m on the C train this morning, as per usual, and I’m at the front of the train (a-la my previous posts about the other entrance’s fucked up turnstile) and stood next to an MTA employee leaning up against the driver’s door, sporadically peeking in, probably commenting on how smooth a ride he is…

[the kicker]

She’s got a cup of hot tea in her gloved hand. HOT TEA! I know what you’re thinking… ’so what?’, you say. Was I freaking hallucinating when I heard on the telly that any open hot drinks on the subway were now illegal, and subject to a fine?

[below rules taken from the MTA website]

New Rules

It is a violation to:

• Jump the turnstile or enter the system improperly, even if your MetroCard is not working properly
• Refuse to present special fare card to police officer or transit employee
• Straddle a bicycle, wear in-line or roller skates, stand on a skateboard or ride a scooter
• Move between end doors of a subway car whether or not train is in motion, except in an emergency or when directed by police officer or conductor
• Place one’s foot on the seat of a subway, bus, or platform bench; occupy more than one seat or place bags on an empty seat when doing so would interfere with transit operations or the comfort of other customers

Existing Rules

It remains a violation to:

• Fail to pay the proper fare
• Panhandle or beg
• Play a radio audible to others or use amplified devices on platforms
• Block free movement
• Lie down
• Drink alcoholic beverages
• Carry any liquid in an open container onto a train or bus
• Engage in unauthorized commercial activity
• Enter tracks, tunnels, or other non-public areas
• Carry bulky items likely to cause inconvenience or hazard to yourself and others
• Damage subway or bus property - that includes graffiti or scratchitti
• Litter or create unsanitary conditions
• Smoke anywhere on NYC Transit property, including outdoor stations

Do as I say, not as I do… nice fucking example you’re making, wankers.

[shakes head]

Ok, the turnstile has not been fixed, it would seem. During the holidays, the card reader appeared to be working fine - but yesterday morning, the line was actually so long that it snaked back up the freaking stairs. I decided it advantageous to take a walk to the other entrance 2 blocks away.

I have something to say… even though the card reader is obviously faulty, those bastards that are swiping and swiping and swiping to no avail, move out of the fucking way so those that have cards that aren’t over 3 years old and falling apart can get to work on time.

Fuckers!

In an article entitled “Bush trumpets economy’s strength”, “President Bush shrugged off a report showing weaker-than-expected job growth on Friday and declared that “the American economy heads into 2006 with a full head of steam.”

A full head of steam? How accurately you retort pertaining your own style of communique - you bullshitting ape.

Let’s look at some facts again, shall we:

According to the U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow, the United States will have reached its statutory debt limit (currently $8.184 trillion) by February 2006. Do your people a favor, stop fucking lying to them about how such great shape their country is in (’cos they’re not buying it), drop the frigging Federal Reserve (this is your MAIN financial fuck stick, right there) - it’s killing your economy.

This article entitled The United States Is In Deep Doodoo! is scary as hell. If I were an American Citizen, I’d be smart to look for another fucking country to live in… but you know what they could do first, get you out of office by impeaching your lying ass.

What would you do if you gave your daughter, who was stricken with melonoma, a Yorkshire Terrier as a gift to help raise her spirits, give her hope, only to have it given away to someone else by a so-called “trusted” acquaintance whilst you were vacationing with your little girl in Europe? Me, I’d lose my shit… and if I was American, I’d sue also… probably to the tune of six million dollars. Well that’s what this father has gone and done:

A Manhattan man has filed a $6 million lawsuit in an attempt to force the return of a small dog that he says was a gift to his cancer-stricken teenage daughter from a now-imprisoned contractor and former friend.Martin Klein, a lawyer, says in papers filed in Manhattan’s state Supreme Court that the dog, a purebred Yorkshire terrier named Hershe, was given to his 15-year-old daughter, Michele Klein, by Ted Kohl on her 11th birthday.

Court papers say Kohl was taking care of Hershe while the Klein family was on vacation in London. After Kohl was sentenced Nov. 28, he gave the dog to a friend, Gayle Fisher Worth, who has kept the dog and refused to return it, Klein’s court papers say.

Klein’s lawyer, Hayley Greenberg, said Kohl, a longtime friend of Klein’s family, gave Michele the dog as a gift.

“Hershe was supposed to be returned to our client the day he (Kohl) went to prison, but he didn’t,” Greenberg said.

Court papers say Michele has been diagnosed with “malignant melanoma” and Hershe “gave her great comfort and assisted in her recovery efforts.” The dog’s absence is adding stress to the girl’s body, court papers say.

Things like this make my blood boil - not only am I a dog lover, but the fact that this little girl has cancer, well it just ticks me off. I met a group of cancer patients a few years ago when I volunteered for the Century Cycle ride with the Team In Training association, sponsoring the Leukemia Lymphoma Society - moved me so much… some just clinging on for dear life, lifted by the support of us “healthier folk” doing our good deeds.

Gayle Fisher Worth, give back the fucking dog - and I hate your fucking faux-aristocratic double-barrelled name.

Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, Tourette syndrome - what a fucking nightmare. Affects 1 in every 2,000 kids between the ages of 2 and 21.

It is more likely to occur in boys, especially if they have a first degree relative that also has this disorder.Tics are sudden, repetitive, purposeless motor or vocal expressions or movements. In addition to transient tic disorders and chronic motor tic disorders, Tourette syndrome is a common cause of tics in children. The symptoms of Tourette syndrome include having multiple vocal tics and motor tics, although they don’t have to have both types of tics at the same time.

Children with vocal tics may make compulsive barking and grunting noises, have frequent throat clearing, coughing or sniffling, echolalia (vocal tics characterized by repeating words that a child hears), and/or coprolalia (vocal tics characterized by repeating or shouting obscene words), although coprolalia is rare.
Other common motor tics include eye blinking, jerking the head, movements of the eyes, different facial expressions, including grimacing, and nose twitching.

Simple tics are brief and involve only a few muscle groups. At first, children with Tourette syndrome usually have simple tics, but over time these tics can become more complex, becoming longer and involving several different muscle groups or whole words or phrases.

I think my dog has Tourette’s.

If you’re a vegetarian in New York City, you no doubt would have heard the name Teany being thrown around. Recently, co-owner Kelly Tisdale let loose the sad news that due to poor sales, and the subsequent pulling out of their only investor, Moby, they would be closing their doors to the public.

For all you veggies out there that have enjoyed your faux canadian bacon and dust cakes since 2001, do not fear… Kelly has told the Metro that although they did indeed decide to close after Moby pulled out, they are restrategizing their business model and turning it into more of a cafe than a vegetarian restaurant, showcasing tea and sandiches. They will be operating without Moby’s moolar, although he will remain “part of the brand”.

[my viewpoint]

Moby is a fucking muppet. Just goes to show that the guy has about as much teste flesh as the Communards’ Jimmy Somerville. I mean, this is not the best economy, but surely after 4 years of operation, anyone with an ounce of cerebral tissue would have seen this was a winner… I did some “social hunting” on Moby, and happened across these wee lines from our caucasian ghetto boy, Eminem:

And Moby? You can get stomped by Obie
You thirty-six year old baldheaded fag, blow me
You don’t know me, you’re too old, let go
It’s over, nobody listens to techno

Anyway, good news for the lettuce chompers, bad news for Richard Melville Hall (I can understand why he didn’t want to be known by his real name)… I mean, come on… Melville!?

I have absolutely no idea why this popped into my head just now, but I got thinking about this guy that used to walk (let me repeat that… WALK) up and down West 9th Street in Red Hook, the other side of the BQE, with a wheelchair… pushing it, not sat it in… but pushing it, like a stroller. Brooklyn’s weird enough, so I thought nothing of it… that was until I was home one weekend, it was the middle of Summer so the windows were open - and lo and behold, the local drunk was sat on our doorstep as usual and this guy came walking up West 9th with his wheelchair. He proceeded to try and “woo” this drunk bitch on my step by offering money for sex…

[clincher]

…he then went into his scam, in full detail, obviously in an attempt to impress his stale smelling female friend… he explained to her that he could earn $5 in 30 minutes by begging for spare change whilst sat in this wheelchair, panhandling on the corner of West 9th Street and Hamilton (the stretch of road that runs alongside, and underneath, the BQE). I actually saw him a couple of times reaching his hand out to unsuspecting drivers stopped at the red light on that corner.

So, if you see this fucking con artist on the streets of Red Hook, and he asks you for change, remember, he’s pulling off a very good impression of Eddie Murphy in Trading Places… he DOES have legs, and yes, they do fucking work.