Where do I begin…

This year was a growing year for me. From the separation, the filthy disgusting summer, to getting things back on track at work and getting my Green Card through… it turned out to be quite the year indeed.

I think the most memorable times of 2005 were my wife and I splitting, and ironically, the joy of having my family come visit in April. Separation was in the very beginning, probably the most difficult thing I have had to deal with - solitude, loneliness, confusion, the severe feeling of loss. The last 2 weeks in May and the whole month of June will be burned into my memory forever.

Two things I will also remember about my separation is how I learned so much about myself and my own happiness, to a very special network of close friends that were always there for me when I needed company. One person in particular stands out - all I can say to you is thank you, for everything. Your giving and generous soul was what got me through the majority of the pain, I cannot thank you enough for being such a loyal and close friend… you know who you are.

Ironically, I also got my Green Card this year - talk about typical! So now I can travel to and from the US as often as I want, without worrying if I have applied for permission to re-enter - what a frigging pain in the arse that was to do each year. With that in mind, I’m planning on flying out to England in Feb/Mar 2006 to visit my family, and pay a visit to my new nephew.

Christmas was a lot of fun - as I was already planning on staying in NY, and the wife (we’re good friends still) had made plans to go to AZ to spend time with her family, I volunteered to dog sit… for the most wonderful Rotty/Aussie Shepherd you would set your eyes on… 8 days of chilling out, walks in the park, chasing skateboarders and playing motorcycle throttle with her ears - good times!

So as I say goodbye to a year that has filled me to the brim with emotions, some of which I’d never felt before, I am looking at 2006 with fresh eyes, and a deeper understanding of the fact that I can deal with anything the world throws at me.

Happy New Year everyone - and thank you for dropping by BritBlogger - good luck for 2006!

It would appear that the turnstile that was such a bone of contention for many Brooklyn commuters has been fixed! Having returned to work this week on pretty much a normal schedule, I noticed that my fellow Brooklynites were whizzing through the turnstile in one go.

Kudos to the MTA for getting this done - especially considering what was going on last week.

[If I am in fact incorrect in my assumption and I am witnessing pure luck, please leave your comments here]

CNN.com is reporting today that Congress is moving quickly to pass a military bill preventing any “inhuman and degrading” treatment of terrorism suspects in U.S. custody. It goes on:

The legislation would prohibit “cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment” of anyone in U.S. government custody anywhere in the world. It also would require that service members follow procedures in the Army Field Manual during interrogations of prisoners in Defense Department facilities.

What the fuck? Did I miss something? Isn’t this called the fucking Geneva Convention?

Jesus Christ, George - you’re actually publicizing a new bill being expedited through Congress to retroactively protect your own arse in an effort to ensure public support in how you have treated these prisoners in the past. It’s like a school bully saying they’re taking anger management classes after being found out they’d just knocked some kid’s teeth out in the playground.

The damage has been done.

Have you ever stood waiting for an elevator and the button’s already lit, only to have someone come along and press the button again? I see it all the time in my office building, and it makes me “tsk”. I often see people press it repeatedly like you would when playing Track & Field - they must think that the more times they press it, the elevator car will think that they’re more important and rush down to the ground floor, passing all others on the way down.

[note to all those that press the button more than once, or when it's already lit]

Knock it off. If you don’t have OCD you have no excuse. You look ridiculous when you do that, and everyone is secretly laughing at you, and blogging about you… [cough]…

Just a quick entry to let you guys know that I received my Green Card yesterday.

Bo Selecta bitches!

Everyone knows Chuck Norris - from his legendary fight with Bruce Lee in “Way of the Dragon” to “Walker, Texas Ranger”. Here’s a list of Chuck facts that you should be aware of - otherwise he’ll drop a roundhouse kick to your face, and you’d thank him for it:

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds til.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to “Fucking.”

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.

In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris’ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson’s disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, “I could eat a horse” after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s
Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up
with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

“Former UK PM Thatcher in hospital” is the headline at CNN’s website pertaining Lady Thatcher’s current state of health… or rather lack thereof.

A lot of you Brits may be saddened to hear of Maggie’s most recent spate of ill health issues… I on the other hand (and I think I speak for most of my family) couldn’t be happier. She single-handedly destroyed one of the biggest and most profitable industries in England in the 80’s. I’m referring to the coal industry.

My grandfather was a coal miner most of his life, coming home covered in soot and taking a luke warm bath in one of those steel tubs in front of a newly set fire, courtesy of my dear grandmother. He devoted his life to the coal mines.

Then came Thatcher and took away the livelihood of hundreds of thousands of British familes throughout the country by announcing the closure of coal mines and the “pits” the miners worked in.

Fuck you Margaret, I could care less about you, your health, your very being… what goes around…

[extends arm, raises middle finger... holds...]

There are a number of on-screen reporters I remember as a kid… Jimmy Olson, heck, Clark Kent even. But there’s one that sticks out in my mind the most, mainly due to the fact that he used to terrify the brown stuff out of me with his eerie glare and the promise to ruin the life of Dr. David Banner - the love-to-hate Jack McGee from The Incredible Hulk. Unfortunately Jack Colvin, who played Mr. McGee in the highly successful television show during the 1970’s, passed away on Thursday at his North Hollywood home through “complications following a stroke”, he was 71 years old.

A cnn.com article goes on:

Colvin died Thursday in North Hollywood of complications following a stroke, said his longtime friend, actress Maaren Edvard, an instructor and administrator at Michael Chekhov Studio USA West, which was founded by Colvin.“Jack was, in every sense of the word, a consummate artist,” Edvard said. “He wrote, painted and read philosophy, but he always came back to acting.”

Colvin appeared in numerous TV shows, including “The Rat Patrol,” “Kojak,” “The Six Million Dollar Man,” “The Rockford Files,” “Cagney and Lacey” and “Murder, She Wrote.” He also had minor roles in several films, including “Scorpio” and “Rooster Cogburn.”

Truly a sad loss of one of television’s lesser known superstars, yet a face those in their thirties will easily forget.

It’s 8:10pm on a frigid Sunday night, and I’m sat here in front of the telly, pretty much just checking e-mail and such, and on came Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - I’m seen it before, and albeit conforming to the stereotypical “makeover show” logistics with the consumate high energy host etcetera, this episode has me glued like a coke addict staring at a 5-pound bag of the bad stuff.

The situation - single father, wife recently deceased, and bringing up 3 kids on his own. Already I’m hooked. We find out at the very beginning of the show that his wife died instantly from a brain aneurysm - she went to bed, he followed an hour later and found her lifeless… good god, the behemoth hands of a phantom giant wrapped around my heart and just squeezed the living happiness out of me… sapped.

If anyone is watching this show, get the Kleenex as I have a feeling it’s going to get worse… well actually, I mean better.

[reaches for tissues]

Seeing good things being done for people “less fortunate” in a world of frequent fear, pain and despair says something about the human spirit… it lives on.

Do something nice today - open a door for someone, tell your friend how much they mean to you, call your mother and tell her you love her… it doesn’t cost anything to be amazing, and you could very well make someone’s day.

[tugs on 3 Kleenex from the box and gets ready for a river flowing]

8:24pm - UPDATEThey just knocked down his whole freaking house!!! Videotaping the whole thing, as he does, the host goes on to tell the father that they’re going to rebuild the whole bloody thing… I am fooking glued to the telly.

If you live in my neighborhood and catch the C train to Manhattan from the Clinton & Washington subway station, you will no doubt understand where I’m coming from with this rant. There are 2 entrances to this poor excuse for a station, and whilst one provides ample turnstilage, the other does not… indeed, I’m referring to the Manhattan-bound entrance on Fulton and Washington.

EVERY morning, I find myself at the end of a long line of inane fuckos hysterically taking turns at swiping their MTA cards through the turnstile card scanner, to no avail. They swipe - nothing… swipe, think it has worked only to walk into a rigid turnstile thwacking their knee cap on the steel bars… swipe, nothing - a shake of the head…

[it goes on and on like this for about 5-10 minutes]

I have to admit, although I get frustrated with the endless attempts from my fellow commuters trying to use their 4-year-old, bent and battered MTA cards with no success, this issue should really fall at the feet of the MTA and the City of New York.

For starters, there’s only ONE turnstile at this entrance… which on the occasion when commuters are exiting the platform, we end up waiting for the long line of Brooklyn-bound workers to leave before we can start to make our move…

Secondly, and more importantly, the turnstile card scanner is completely fucked. There was at least 15 people in line this morning, and it happens most days… today turned out to be particularly bullshit in nature as I stood and watched the C train come and go, as some woman was swiping frantically, movements reminiscent of a fiddlers elbow in the midst of a Vivaldi.

[time for action]

I called 311 a few minutes ago in an effort to report this. This has gone on too long and needs taking care of. So, I dialled 311 and after a short period of holding, and a plethora of transit security notices (like random bag searches and what not) I was put through to a lady called Leslie. I explained my plight (and that of my Clinton/Washington travellers) and she promptly told me she would have to direct this to the MTA for action. Leslie was very nice by the way.

About 20 seconds go by and I’m in the MTA’s holding pattern… shit, I thought.. here we go… but to my surprise, I was on hold for only 3 minutes! “Miss McCormack speaking, how may I help?”. Again, I explained what the problem was with my local subway turnstile and she proceeded to take down my information… apparently to substantiate my “claim”… like I’d waste my time fucking complaining about something that didn’t exist. [sheesh]

I asked her if there was anything else she needed from me, and there wasn’t. I asked for a reference number, and they don’t give those out - but what she did tell me was that this will be passed to the station department (at Clinton/Washington) for action who will have an engineer take a look at it.

There was no indication made as to what timescale would be involved, but if I had any questions, I could call the station department directly. With that in mind, I thought I’d share that number with you all, just in case you’re getting pig sick of standing in a freaking line every morning - give the station department hell…

(718) 243-3222I’ll be calling these bastards every week until cards start going through on a single swipe.

It looks like there has been confirmation of the appearance of Avian Influenza, albeit a “weak strain”, in Japanese quail bred at a Sun Valley quail farm.

The CBS2.com article reads:

The Bureau of Humane Law Enforcement, a non-governmental, nonprofit organization devoted to defending animals, began investigating conditions at the now-defunct L.A. Quail Farm earlier this year.The agency served a warrant at the farm and discovered the quails living in unsanitary conditions with a multitude of illnesses.

All the animals were seized on Nov. 12 and were tested.

The bureau’s veterinarian determined many of the birds had a variety of diseases, fast-moving respiratory ailments, infections, injuries and lesions. Most disturbing was the diagnosis of a low pathogenic strain of avian influenza among the quails, which had been raised and kept at the facility.

The birds had been raised for human consumption.

All we fucking need - another reason for mass hysteria and media sensationalism.

I’m switching to veggies.

The British tabloid, The Daily Mirror reported recently that Iraqi rebels are rumored to be taking methamphetamine, which “is given to insurgents so they have no fear of taking on heavily-armed Coalition forces.”

A DRUG which makes users feel superhuman is being taken by rebel fanatics before they launch attacks against UK troops in Iraq.Now senior British officers fear the courage drug, which is known as a “pinky”, is flooding Basra where it could help fuel a second armed uprising.

Last night a senior Army source, who returned from Iraq two months ago, said there was a ” big drugs trade” in Basra and feared leaders of different terrorists groups would hand out the pills to their followers.

Quite the troublesome news…

[idea]

Allow our British lads and lasses over there to sup about 6 pints of Yorkshire’s best, and then tell them that the Iraqi combatants just slept with their mothers… stand back watch the shit hit the fan.

I got an e-mail from my brother this morning - I usually get about 5 per week from him, consisting of random jokes and humorous tales - this one was different…

[the full e-mail]

Subject: Pass the word
After many cities not wanting to offend other cultures by putting up Xmas lights. After hearing that the Birmingham council changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver’s license with her face covered. After hearing of a Primary School in Birmingham where a boy was told that for PE (Physical Education) he could wear Football League shirts (Aston Villa, Birmingham, West Brom etc) but NOT an England shirt as it could offend others!This prompted the editorial below written by a UK citizen.

[Published in a British tabloid newspaper]

Quote:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT BRITONS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on London, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Brits. However, the dust from the attacks has barely settled and the “politically correct” crowd begin complaining about the possibility that our patriotism is offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Britain. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of London being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Britons, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.This culture has been developed over centuries of wars, struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language! “In God We Trust” is our National Motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, Because God is part of our culture. If St. George’s cross offends you, or you don’t like ” A Fair Go”, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great British freedom, “THE RIGHT TO LEAVE”. If you aren’t happy here then fuck off! We didn’t force you to come here.You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted. Pretty easy really, when you think about it.

I couldn’t agree more with this point of view… although rather agressive, it does indeed bring forth the question, “how many of us are feeling like this?”.

I came here in 2001, and found it quite a different place than I thought it would be… arrogant people, nobody says please or thank you, people would sooner step over you than give you the time of day… pissed me off for a good couple of years… then it hit me, this is New York - deal with it, embrace it.

I wish someone over here would speak out like this guy did in England - it’s about time the people of the U.S. fought for their country’s heritage, told those that want the word “God” taken out of the “Pledge Of Allegiance” to get fucked - this is what the country was founded upon - if you don’t like it here, get the fuck out.

According to an article posted online at PCWorld.com, Reasearch In Motion (RIM), the company that brought us the widely-used Blackberry, could be facing a shutdown of their entire Blackberry service, rendering millions of users shit out of luck.

The article reads:

A federal judge won’t hold up court proceedings in NTP’s patent lawsuit against Research In Motion, opening the door to a possible injunction that would stop sales of BlackBerry mobile e-mail devices, and shut down BlackBerry service, in the U.S. RIM had filed two motions, one to enforce an agreement with NTP to settle the case and another to stop the court proceedings while the Patent and Trademark Office re-examines NTP’s patents. Judge James Spencer of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia on Wednesday denied both motions. He ruled that the parties don’t have a valid settlement agreement and said the district court could not hold up the case during a patent re-examination that could take years.

It looks like whatever the Judge rules, Blackberry are knee deep in crap - and whether it’s a billion dollar fine, or the complete shutdown of their service, the end-user will suffer… if they are slammed with the fine, how do you think they’ll recoup that cost? More than likely by raising their monthly charges to their consumers. You don’t honestly think they’ll foot the bill do you?

Have you ever wanted to save a few pennies and sneak your own ale into a club, concert or simply because you’re a fucking sneaky alcoholic? Fret no more, my beer guzzling swines… here to save you is The Beerbelly Deluxe Kit . The site touts it’s crafty creation as “a removable spare tire that serves a stealth beverage”. What genius.

An article on this beer bladder over at Gizmodo comments:

I can’t tell if this is too stupid for words or stupendously ingenious. Guess you’ll have to make your own call. It’s called the Beerbelly and it’s actually a fake gut that you can fill up with beer (or your favorite alcoholic beverage) and hide under your clothes. Made up of a sling and a polyurethane “bladder” with a dispensing tube, the thing was created to let you slip booze into places where such substances may not be allowed.

Well the blokes are sorted… what about the ladies being able to sneak in a big bag of Cosmopolitan? Fake boobs?

According to an article by the guys over at the KTVU, the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) may be going ahead with a new plan to allow those “sharp” everyday objects back onto planes… nail clippers, scissors and the like will no longer be banned.

Is this a good move? Is the TSA making a mistake? I don’t think so personally, I for one found it pitifully ridiculous that one had to hand over your tweezers when going through airport security - I can see it now…”I am hijacking this plane, don’t move a muscle or I will deftly remove your eyebrows!”

Please.