The rain is still coming down on the City of New York, and that brings with it the onslaught of umbrellas.

The trusty umbrella, invented more than 4,000 years ago - we have seen evidence of umbrellas in the ancient art and artifacts of Egypt, Assyria, Greece, and China. These ancient umbrellas or parasols, were first designed to provide shade from the sun. The Chinese were the first to waterproof their umbrellas for use as rain protection. They waxed and lacquered their paper parasols in order to use them for rain.

And so it began, the umbrella revolution. The quintessential way of keeping cool, or staying dry. Which brings me to this fine City and its populous, continuously clambering over one another, vying for the quicker, the faster, the “more”. The crowded streets, the bustle of human traffic filling every square inch of the island that is Manhattan.

[add copious amounts of rain]

This is where the fun begins (in case you didn’t catch that, it’s called sarcasm). Imagine if you will, around 6-7 million people trying to get to their own individual destination… all at the same time. There’s not a lot of square footage left on the City sidewalks during rush hour commutes at the best of times. Now give each of those folk an umbrella. A typical umbrella probably measures about 2-2.5 feet in width. That’s about the width of 2 people (2 normal sized people) - let’s do the math…

6 million commuters

*

60% (let’s say 3/5 (or 60%) of those are underground, driving the streets, in cabs or riding buses)

=

2.4 million commuters on the sidwalks

*

2 (we’re giving everyone an umbrella, equal to doubling the volume as the typical width of an umbrella is twice the width of a person)

=

4.8 million

So you can see, it’s almost as if the City streets double in human traffic - or essentially, have about half as less space to move around in.

[along comes the problem]

With that many umbrellas being popped open in the City, it’s reducing sidewalk space. It’s umbrella war. I’m sure you’ve been smacked in the head, shoulder, arm, heck even the face, by some brollie-toting fucker more concerned with their own linear line-of-sight path than keeping their canopy from taking out your eye.

So without further ado, I would like to introduce you to the solution: Umbrelliquette.

Below is a list of preventative measures to take if you are the carrier of said rain shield, rendering you a decent citizen instead of a selfish twat:

• Keep the edge of the umbrella’s canopy slightly above eye level. If you can’t see beyond 2 feet in front of you, you won’t be able to see oncoming commuters
• If you see someone coming toward you, and they’re holding an umbrella, be the first to raise yours over theirs - clearing a path where your umbrellas pass with ease, preventing unecessary knockage
• If oncoming traffic is to the right, lean your brollie to the left - and vice versa should they be coming toward you on the left
• Never try and open your umbrella on the subway steps - you WILL take out eyes or remove layers of facial skin
• If you find yourself on the subway after coming from the rainy streets above, FOLD AWAY COMPLETELY your umbrella, don’t leave it half or fully open just because it’s wet and you don’t want to have wet hands… it’s water, you shit head - so unless you’re the Wicked Witch of the West, fold the bloody thing
• If your umbrella is one of those fucking ridiculously oversized golf numbers, leave it at home - buy a smaller one - or walk in the middle of the street - last time I looked, there isn’t a fucking golf course in Manhattan, obnoxious bastards
• When the rain subsides, and you close your brollie, please remember to carry your umbrella VERTICALLY, and not HORIZONTALLY as you’re going to stab someone in the balls, vagina, arse or a circus midget in the eye

By following those easy steps, we’ll all experience a much easier commute to work on an already shitty day in the rain. It’s gruelling enough most days to get to work without wanting to rip someone’s head off due to their lack of common courtesy.

Umbrelliquette - so there you have it.