I’m sat here at home, it’s 2:06pm on a gorgeous saturday afternoon (before you ask why I’m not outside, I’m nursing a frigging cold), and I’ve spent most of the morning doing laundry, Skype’ing with my family in England, and generally partaking in some well earned chillage. I thought I’d flick on the telly, mostly as background noise really, something to stimulate my ocular needs with sporadic upward glances… and what do I catch? Yet another beauty commercial hosted by Susan Lucci of the ‘All My Children’ fame, promoting a product called ‘Youthful Essence’, a ‘microdermabrasion tool for the home’.

So before I begin my tirade of rantage, I want to comment on the people that appear with Susan on this godforesaken ad…

[college girl accent] “like my skin felt like… so soft… and like… my face has such a like… glow and like… I feel great and like…”

Woah, hang on! (the ad’s still playing by the way), some chick just said “professional microdermabrasion is stupid expensive”. what? “stupid expensive”? jesus, we need a fucking ‘improve your grammar in 7 easy steps’ commercial! perhaps it could be hosted by Prince Charles, or something?

This ad sucks, and I mean REALLY sucks… cute girls, drawing me in… old women with great skin, drawing in ugly old bats with shit skin and low self esteem. And it really got me thinking about what US television is all about. Beautiful people with not an ounce of realism. But what really stabbed me in the gut was the realization that there’s no wonder the majority of women in this great country hate the way they look… and why? Television. Movies. Commercials. Morning news. You name it, they all have these amazingly perfect looking people promoting products that they insist will reduce wrinkles, plump lips, blend away dark spots (what the fuck is a dark spot?), look younger blah fucking blah.

I have a message for the women of America. You’re all gorgeous, your imperfect skin, your slightly out of shape tummy, your frigging dark spots… we, the men, love you just the way you are. Trust me, when you wake up next to a guy in the morning, your make up isn’t there any more - gone! Try to look like you… not like Susan Lucci covered in 3 hours of gunk from a tube or bottle. Because you know what? It’s temporary, and your cute and face-defining wrinkles are normal - get used to growing old gracefully and embrace it.

Female Amercians, get some therapy, save your money on these shit Lucci-promoted creams and phallic-looking applicator guns. Get used to loving who you are, and say “fuck you Aveda”, I love me just the way I am. And if you want to order a pizza, why the heck not.

I love you ladies! Come on, show me your crow’s feet for fuck’s sake. They’re cute.